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Okay, so here it is how it goes:

People say that to create you need a muse. People say that you need to be inspired by something or someone. To make him/her/it your insirational center from where you can drink energy to create. They say that to create you need to have good ideas. Thus, you need to be inspired or simply said to have a muse.

I. Well, I disagree. I do not think you need yo have a muse. Or to be inspired. You just need to be hurt. Or to feel happiness. You need emotions. And that is not the same as a muse. Look at me for example. I have had so many things that could have inspired me, but I have not written anything for quite a while. I have not painted for quite a while. I have not dance. And most importantly, I have not created anything. That is not because of lack of inspiration. Believe me I had enough inspiration surrounding me. If i was not blind enough to see it.

However, what happened to me… and probably to many artists/creators is that we were so numb when it came to our feelings that we could not sense the inspiration (I would prefer to call it emotion) in the air.  Therefore, we give up. We stop searching for emotions around us and that is how we fall out of our artistic area. And the way a person can become this numb is by either being extremely busy and living in a repetative timetabled period or be hurt so much that his heart can not bare emotions of any kind.

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I miss it all.

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I miss the memories. And the times when I was free. The world was on his feet for me. Had everything but it turns out I had nothing at all. So life made me crawl on my knees and fall.

I miss the times when my smile was real. And not to mention the dreams and the thrill. ‘Being alive!’ – is what they said this feels. However, now I’m left behind of all of it.

My body is a corpse and I don’t feel. Without a dream or a wish. I just can’t heal. Or is it that I only hurt. Without my real smile I can just only divert. Happiness is far away. Only sadness and sorrew is left to stay and play.

But don’t be fooled. The room is dark. The door is locked. I’ve build a wall between, just in case. Emotions far away. Dreams don’t exist. Happiness is long gone. Alone… I stand with a thrill, a dream or a smile.

Just my memories. My smile. My love. My family and friends. My dreams. My freedom.

I miss it all.

Heart….beat

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My heart is hurting.                                                               Bleeding.                                                                                    My love for you is that strong.                                                       And it hurts…It hurts so much that you don’t notice me.                 Can’t you see me? Am I really that invisible?                                Is she really so much better than me?

I shut the door. Close it. Lock it. Now I’m alone.Away from anyone and everyone. My smile is gone. Tears fall down… One by one. A shattered heart. Cause I’m invisible.For you. For everybody. They will forget about me…

I’m not good enough for you. My dreams are crushed. Our time is limited… We might never meet again.

Scared and broken. Forgotten and hurt. And I will give you your freedom. Emptying my heart from every single feeling. And again I’ll be a robot. Not feeling a single thing. But maybe that would be for the best, won’t it? Zombie….falling lost. Heartless. Emotionless. And the pain will go alway with the sorrow and the happiness.. And the memories….

My heart is beating… I’ll let it beat for a few more moments… And then… maybe… just maybe… everything will end.. Bang! No! I can’t ….

Just a random post

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People don’t realise how much influence they have on the people surrounding them. Every single one of is is connected to loads of people. A smile can make someone’s day better. A smile can give someone out there happiness. A smile can make a heart skip a beat.

But the influence can be negative as well. Only with a simple word we can touch people’s feelings. We might hit a soft spot where they are conscious about. With just a tease we can make a person hate himself. Close the door of his room, sit on the floor and cry his eyes out. Blame himself for being the person he is. Make him want to end his own life. To stop the teasing. And the hurting in his heart.

So guys and girls, mind what you are doing. What you are saying and how you are teasing people. Because the people that have their smile always placed on their faces are the once that most certainly hurt the most. Their heart bleeds and shatters. They have tears in their eyes, crying rivers when alone. They are the once that you see surrounded by loads of people. The one that seem so sociable and confident. But you know what? They are also the loneliest, saddest and most self-conscious people.

How do I know that? I am one of them. One of those people hiding behind their smile. Wearing an awful mask. Not letting people really see me for who I am: the antisocial, self-conscious and lonely person. Always isolating myself on a different from the physical level. Behind closed doors I know I am not good enough even though I try to look as if I know I am the best. When you see me on the street you will see a cheerful girl surrounded by friends but you’ll be wrong because I am a person that can easily be crushed, hurt and broken.

And what are you? What type of person? And most importantly what mask are you wearing? Because every single one of us is wearing one. That is why we should be careful with our words and what we say….. Just keep this in mind. Okay?!

Tori :3

Afraid.. !

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Like every creature on Earth, I once again am able to feel the fear in my veins. Running as fast as it can. Its destinations – my brain and my heart. Hitting two different places at the same exact moment. And I shiver. I want to run. And scream, and shout. I wish that I could forget the memories because of which I am afraid. I wish I could throw my past away because it makes me fear the future.

Dreams. New friendships. Trusting people. My persona is being frightened by all of them. But not only. Afraid to breathe and to move. Or just to believe. To keep the hope that this time it would be different. That this time I won’t be hurt. Or left behind. I won’t be lied to. Or simply stabbed in the back.

I just wish and hope that this time it will survive.. It seems too precious. Too perfect. I finally found my place among a bunch of lovely weirdos. But I’m afraid. Afraid of the end. Scared to my bones that they will get tired of me, bored of me. Stop liking me. Or that they never did like me in the first place. Frightened that I might be again the one person they keep to laugh at and lie to. The one that is always outside the pack and always a burden.

Fear. Shivers. Tears. And illusions. I wish I could stop thinking. Thinking through every single action, every single word… Searching for evidence that it is not true and I am truly mad to believe this is really happening. That they really do like me. How is that possible? I don’t have an answer. Hope my fear will stop and I’ll begin trusting people again. Begin feeling happiness, believing in myself and accepting who I am. Wish this dream will never end. ~

Cardiff and old choreography :)

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Hello, there.. ! 

I am so sorry I wasn’t blogging for some time, again.. I believe I have a lot of work to do since I was applying for universities and stuff.. Now, I have good news. This girl behind the blog is an officially confirmed Cardiff University student. Yeay me! Happiness overloads my heart. My “To Do List” Is huge. I have to prepare my luggage. To meet with as many friends as I can. And to make a dance portfolio, just in case. Therefore, I decided to share this video of me and my friend. Ah… such a memory. It was a year and some months ago, but it is kind of okay. Not perfect, but it is okay. She is a ballet dancer and I’m more of a house dancer but whatever. We had fun xP 

Hope you enjoy the video! Comment and share if you liked it. Or just give some tips on how to improve. We, both, would appreciate that since a dancer never stops learning.

 

Sorry for the long hiatus!

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Hey there, 

I am so sorry for the wait and that I haven’t posted anything in the last month and a half. I was really busy with school and exams since I graduated this year. But now I have free time so you will see me more often, hopefully 🙂 
So I promised to translated my last post so that you would know what it is about. It is about the guy I had a crush on and it is kind of my story, The essay or so, was a homework for school. Yeap. I hope you enjoy reading it. 

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Do not steal

You. What are you doing? No! I am talking about the thing you stole from the shop because I know you didn’t do it. I’m not calling you a thief because of that little accident cause it never happened. She calls you a mugger with tears in her eyes. You, just like a real thief, stole something from her. You stole that girl’s heart and then you shattered it into million pieces. She only wanted to be with you. To love you. To be next to you. Nothing bad, right? She was ready to do everything for you but not because she had chosen to give you everything. It was simply because you showed up on that “beautiful white horse” and gave her a shoulder to cry on. You saved her. Saved her not only from the cruel, cruel world that surrounded her but from herself as well. You helped her see herself for what she really was. And just like that you stole her most precious thing – her heart.

However, you didn’t stop there, right? It wasn’t enough to own this girl’s heart. You had to steal her thoughts, too. Yeah, since your heroic advent she stopped thinking. You took every single thought that girl had and replaced it with a fake one. That fake thought you planted in her brain was connected to you and what you have told her or what thing you have done. How you looked at this girl. How you touched her. How you pronounced her name. And this way, little by little, you stole all of her thoughts and replaced them with the empty space of an imaginary world, in which you were next to her and you were her most priceless gift.

And what? For you even that wasn’t enough. You wished to control her emotions. To be able to make this girl smile but to cry as well. To be happy and to get stressed easily, when you desired. To be able to make her feel confused. Here is what you did. You started to play with her. Little by little. Since you had already stolen her heart and thoughts she was ready to do everything for you. And when you played with her you told her how cute she is, how wonderful she is, how special she is. And in the next moment, out of the blue, you dumped her and ignored her. Repeated this pattern many… many times. You made her feel happy and in the same time used. So when her emotions were totally mixed up she started to have emotional breakdowns, because of you. Therefore, you have completed your task. You had stolen her emotions.

In the end, she didn’t have anything left to own. You have taken everything from her. Left her with one big nothing. That way, despite your beautiful appearance of a noble prince, your soul turned into an ugly shabbily dressed mugger. So you thought since you were that good-looking, she wasn’t good for you. And what was your solution to your problem. You left the poor wrecked girl and went to another, from whom you started stealing again in order to heal your soul. It is sad that you never understood that it is your own fault and you only can save your soul. The truth is that you just needed to do one simple thing… Do not steal! Just love…

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Okay. That was it. I’ll be back soon with something more intruding or just a simple post… It depends. I should really stop blabbing. Sorry, guys xD 

Bye for now! 

Tori ^.^

 

P.S Aul (http://montairyus23.wordpress.com)  I translated it mostly for you cause I promised xD Hope it is not too boring 🙂