I miss it all.

I miss the memories. And the times when I was free. The world was on his feet for me. Had everything but it turns out I had nothing at all. So life made me crawl on my knees and fall.

I miss the times when my smile was real. And not to mention the dreams and the thrill. ‘Being alive!’ – is what they said this feels. However, now I’m left behind of all of it.

My body is a corpse and I don’t feel. Without a dream or a wish. I just can’t heal. Or is it that I only hurt. Without my real smile I can just only divert. Happiness is far away. Only sadness and sorrew is left to stay and play.

But don’t be fooled. The room is dark. The door is locked. I’ve build a wall between, just in case. Emotions far away. Dreams don’t exist. Happiness is long gone. Alone… I stand with a thrill, a dream or a smile.

Just my memories. My smile. My love. My family and friends. My dreams. My freedom.

I miss it all.

Heart….beat

My heart is hurting.                                                               Bleeding.                                                                                    My love for you is that strong.                                                       And it hurts…It hurts so much that you don’t notice me.                 Can’t you see me? Am I really that invisible?                                Is she really so much better than me?

I shut the door. Close it. Lock it. Now I’m alone.Away from anyone and everyone. My smile is gone. Tears fall down… One by one. A shattered heart. Cause I’m invisible.For you. For everybody. They will forget about me…

I’m not good enough for you. My dreams are crushed. Our time is limited… We might never meet again.

Scared and broken. Forgotten and hurt. And I will give you your freedom. Emptying my heart from every single feeling. And again I’ll be a robot. Not feeling a single thing. But maybe that would be for the best, won’t it? Zombie….falling lost. Heartless. Emotionless. And the pain will go alway with the sorrow and the happiness.. And the memories….

My heart is beating… I’ll let it beat for a few more moments… And then… maybe… just maybe… everything will end.. Bang! No! I can’t ….

Just a random post

People don’t realise how much influence they have on the people surrounding them. Every single one of is is connected to loads of people. A smile can make someone’s day better. A smile can give someone out there happiness. A smile can make a heart skip a beat.

But the influence can be negative as well. Only with a simple word we can touch people’s feelings. We might hit a soft spot where they are conscious about. With just a tease we can make a person hate himself. Close the door of his room, sit on the floor and cry his eyes out. Blame himself for being the person he is. Make him want to end his own life. To stop the teasing. And the hurting in his heart.

So guys and girls, mind what you are doing. What you are saying and how you are teasing people. Because the people that have their smile always placed on their faces are the once that most certainly hurt the most. Their heart bleeds and shatters. They have tears in their eyes, crying rivers when alone. They are the once that you see surrounded by loads of people. The one that seem so sociable and confident. But you know what? They are also the loneliest, saddest and most self-conscious people.

How do I know that? I am one of them. One of those people hiding behind their smile. Wearing an awful mask. Not letting people really see me for who I am: the antisocial, self-conscious and lonely person. Always isolating myself on a different from the physical level. Behind closed doors I know I am not good enough even though I try to look as if I know I am the best. When you see me on the street you will see a cheerful girl surrounded by friends but you’ll be wrong because I am a person that can easily be crushed, hurt and broken.

And what are you? What type of person? And most importantly what mask are you wearing? Because every single one of us is wearing one. That is why we should be careful with our words and what we say….. Just keep this in mind. Okay?!

Tori :3

Afraid.. !

Like every creature on Earth, I once again am able to feel the fear in my veins. Running as fast as it can. Its destinations – my brain and my heart. Hitting two different places at the same exact moment. And I shiver. I want to run. And scream, and shout. I wish that I could forget the memories because of which I am afraid. I wish I could throw my past away because it makes me fear the future.

Dreams. New friendships. Trusting people. My persona is being frightened by all of them. But not only. Afraid to breathe and to move. Or just to believe. To keep the hope that this time it would be different. That this time I won’t be hurt. Or left behind. I won’t be lied to. Or simply stabbed in the back.

I just wish and hope that this time it will survive.. It seems too precious. Too perfect. I finally found my place among a bunch of lovely weirdos. But I’m afraid. Afraid of the end. Scared to my bones that they will get tired of me, bored of me. Stop liking me. Or that they never did like me in the first place. Frightened that I might be again the one person they keep to laugh at and lie to. The one that is always outside the pack and always a burden.

Fear. Shivers. Tears. And illusions. I wish I could stop thinking. Thinking through every single action, every single word… Searching for evidence that it is not true and I am truly mad to believe this is really happening. That they really do like me. How is that possible? I don’t have an answer. Hope my fear will stop and I’ll begin trusting people again. Begin feeling happiness, believing in myself and accepting who I am. Wish this dream will never end. ~

What the Heck is Wrong with my MOTHER ?!

Hello there, you people on Earth!

How was your day today? Was it better than mine? I bet it was…Today, for me,  it was one of those days that you just wanna jump off the building into a net just to forget everything that has happened. My knees hurt while I was dancing at dance class. I was lost in the underground and almost dropped my phone in the underground railroad. And to top that I got a B minus. So what does this whole stuff have to do with my mother, you ask?! Well, everything actually. 

My mother, who I believe might have an OCD and always has control me, has called me a stupid drugged whore and told me that I wouldn’t pass my exams, just because of that B minus and the fact I went out to bar with a few friends. Do you think this is normal? Well, My life has always been this way. Me controlled by her. I really do hope that someday I will be free to express myself and be ME.. For now though, I have to pretend that I am always happy and never tired and also I might have to cut down the going out. Yeah, my life is just so perfect with my controlling mother, who believes that my every doing is a bad decision and that it will ruin my life. The sad thing is that I try…I do try to tell her how I feel and to express my feelings by telling her that I NEVER have felt that she has any faith in me. 

It is so not fair and I just want to get out of this jail and move on to living my life… Has anyone ever had those problems? Maybe if we unite, maybe if we connect to each other and talk, we will stop feeling as trash and we might even lower the number of suicides, because those problems might sometime lead to exactly this. SHARE! We have to connect and SHARE!

So this is from me for now, I will be writing on this topic again.. Probably soon…

KIds – believe in yourselves no matter what your parents say 🙂 And don’t forget to love… ❤